Bonding with your newborn

What is bonding?

When experts talk about bonding, they're referring to the intense attachment you develop with your baby. It's the feeling that makes you want to shower him with love and affection, or throw yourself in front of a speeding truck to protect him.

For some parents, this takes place within the first few days – or even minutes – of birth. For others, it may take a little longer. In the past, researchers who studied the process thought it was crucial to spend a lot of time with your newborn during his first few days to seal the bond right away.

But now we know that bonding can take place over time. Parents who are separated from their babies soon after delivery for medical reasons or who adopt their children when they're several weeks or months old also develop enormously close, loving relationships.

What if I don't bond right away?

Breathe easy. Parent-baby bonding is complicated and often takes time to gel. As long as you take care of your baby's basic needs and cuddle with her regularly, she won't suffer if you don't feel a strong bond at first sight.

"There's so much discussion about bonding with a new baby that mothers often feel guilty if they don't feel some incredible attachment to their new baby immediately," says Edward Christophersen, a pediatric psychologist in Kansas City, Missouri. "But bonding is truly an individual experience, and it's just as reasonable to expect the bond to develop over a period of time as it is for it to develop instantaneously."

Give yourself a break: Being a new parent is exhausting, and you may feel stressed and overwhelmed at times. While nursing can help you bond with your baby, it also releases a flood of hormones that could leave you in an emotional whirlwind. And if you've had a long, difficult delivery, you may need to recover a bit before you can concentrate on bonding with your baby.

Your baby may be cute and cuddly, but she's also an entirely new person, one you'll have to get to know. A true parent-child bond is a byproduct of everyday caregiving. There's no magic formula, but a few things can help the process along.

• Have some skin-to-skin cuddle time – hold her and stroke her gently. Human touch is soothing for both you and your baby.
• Look into your baby's eyes and talk and sing to her regularly.
• If you’re planning a c-section, ask your practitioner about your options for a gentle c-section. This involves making a few small changes in the procedure -- such as placing the baby right on your chest after delivery -- to allow you and your partner to feel more a part of the birth.
• If your baby has to spend some time in intensive care and is hooked up to wires and monitors, ask the hospital staff to help you safely touch and hold your baby.

Over time, you'll get to know and enjoy your newborn, learn how to comfort her, and your feelings will deepen. And one day – maybe the first time you see her smile – you'll look at your baby and realize you're filled completely with love and joy.

When should I worry?

If, after a few weeks, you find that you don't feel more attached to and comfortable with your baby than you did the first day, or if you actually feel detached and resentful of him, talk about it. Your partner, family, and friends can help you feel less isolated and alone, and discussing your feelings with your baby's doctor and your own doctor or midwife is the key to getting help.

Postpartum depression is real and can hamper bonding. In this case, it's best to seek help as soon as possible.

Early intervention can prevent your relationship with your child from deteriorating. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to win back your baby's trust and affection.