Cherishing Your Child

"Everybody's got a hungry heart."
-Bruce Springsteen

"…the precondition for giving is receiving… It is natural to say 'That is a well-cherished child' or 'There is a child who wants cherishing.' We think of cherishment as the emotional equivalent of nourishment. Soul Food."
-Elisabeth Young-Bruehl and Faith Bethelard

Humans are born ready to love, and to be loved. All parents recognize the adoration reserved especially for parents, the small arms reaching up, the joy of infant and parent in their cocoon of mutual delight. Babies expect to be cherished.

This cherishing, this affirmation of the infant from head to toe, teaches the baby who he is. In interaction with the parents, the baby learns "Yes, these are my toes, how good they feel when Dad kisses them!" and "Mom makes that happy noise when I smile at her!" The baby also learns "Mom and Dad love to bathe me, to nurse me, to care for me: I am worth taking care of. I am lovable."

Cherishing our babies is natural, if we listen to our instincts. It is our secret weapon, the nourishment that helps them grow inside, the source of self esteem, the foundation on which their ability to love and be loved rests.

This expectation of being loved is what allows our children to learn so quickly, to risk bumps and scrapes and hurt feelings: the security of knowing that someone who adores them is watching out for them, supporting their growth. Cherishment is the security of unconditional love.

For the parent, cherishing is reveling in being this baby’s parent, being grateful even in the middle of diapers and sleeplessness and colic that this baby was sent to these arms.

But if we have not been cherished ourselves, cherishing can be challenging. When we have been frustrated in our attempts to love and be loved, we may find it difficult to revel in our new baby. We may find ourselves annoyed rather than delighted by her need for our attention, angry rather than sympathetic when he howls. We may avert our eyes from her adoring gaze. We may become uncomfortable when engaged in reciprocal play with our baby and interrupt it without really noticing what we are doing, or even our discomfort.

Often, parents who have not been cherished themselves are envious of the attention the baby receives from others. These parents may insist that the baby adapt to their needs, by, for instance, refusing to adequately babyproof and then becoming angry when the baby persistently attempts to explore the VCR or the stack of magazines.

And for the baby, what happens when this need to cherish and be cherished is frustrated? Frustration, of course, is anger. Lack of being cherished creates an angry child.

Some parents are conditionally accepting. They might adore the baby, for instance, but find it difficult to deal with her when she's angry. What happens? The baby simply rejects the parts of herself that haven't been accepted. The ability to love herself is compromised, shadowed with self hatred; she is not, after all, good enough to evoke what she needs and wants most: cherishing. As she rejects parts of herself, her emotional growth is compromised. (See the Attachment Research for more about the Resistant-ambivalent response.)

The need for cherishing, like all survival needs, doesn’t vanish when thwarted. It goes deep underground. We defend ourselves against this dangerous need that would make us vulnerable; we ward it off with anger, which eventually turns into bitterness.

In extreme cases, the hope of being loved becomes too painful, and the child defends against it by consciously expecting rejection. We all know these children, who become experts at soliciting dislike. In very extreme cases, these can become the kids who are capable, one day, of taking a gun to school and opening fire. The famous researcher Rene Spitz said it most succinctly:

"Infants without love…will end as adults full of hate."

Luckily, virtually all of us get enough cherishment that we don't end up as killers. Few of us, though, get enough of this "soul food" that we don't end up with a heart that is, at times, more hungry than we would like. That hunger, those unmet needs, are what drive all "bad behavior" on the part of our children. Kids whose needs for cherishment are met become cooperative kids. Sure, they'll have times when they're overwhelmed by emotion, or have a hard time regulating their behavior. But these kids WANT to cooperate to please their parent.

Want to raise a happy, cooperative, responsible child? Cherish your baby.

7 Things to Do NOW to Make the First Weeks After Baby Even Better

During pregnancy, there's a ton of attention to the growing belly, the baby gear, and the birth process—but much less so on what life will actually look like once your new kiddo is actually born. A lot of new parents have the vague idea that their postpartum experience will be difficult, but many are taken aback when they realize just how hard things are when you've got an adorable baby who depends on you for all of his or her needs. Many cultures have built-in birth and postpartum traditions, but in the United States, we have to create our own. One way to do that? Plan while you're still pregnant.

Prepping for your postpartum experience can make a huge difference in your stress levels, mood, and relationships during the first days, weeks, and months with a newborn—it might even help to stave off postpartum depression or other mood disorders.

"Most couples find it hard to think beyond the birth, but there's so much they can do to plan for a positive postpartum experience," says Elly Taylor, a parenthood researcher and author of the book Becoming Us: 8 Steps To Grow A Family That Thrives. "I call it nest-building: plan to take as much time off work as possible, gather your support system (it takes a village!) and have your partner actively involved from the get-go."

So, how exactly do you build that nest? These seven suggestions can help ensure you have a positive postpartum experience.

Write it down: Make a written postpartum plan. This can be as simple as a list of important numbers (doctor/midwife, pediatrician, doula, lactation consultant), or something more detailed and comprehensive. While it may seem a little Type A to actually put pen to paper about post-pregnancy life, the exercise of thinking about it and discussing it with the people in your life will be almost as valuable to you as the actual plan. (There are many ways to make a written plan, of course, but this postpartum plan template from the doula organization DONA International can help you get started.)

Prioritize your own needs: There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a little selfish during pregnancy and postpartum—you can only provide good care to your baby if you're feeling safe, happy, and supported. That means staying rested, hydrated, well-nourished, and calm—so don't be afraid to ask for or get what you want, physically, mentally, and emotionally. The words "I need" can go far during the postpartum period, so learn to use them. A happy mom and baby are more valuable than a clean kitchen or a freshly-vacuumed rug.

Get meals taken care of: Having at least one meal a day already planned, prepped, and/or prepared is a lifesaver when you have a needy newborn; bonus if the meal is healthy and nutritious! Thinking ahead about meals for after baby can cut down on instances when your partner is desperately ordering pizza at 8 pm with a screaming baby in the background. It's great if you've been cooking extra food and freezing it, but don't hesitate to ask your community for help, too. MealTrain is a great service you can use to organize a group of people to bring you meals, and it's totally free!

Set boundaries: Your family and friends are so excited about the baby! You don't want to diminish that excitement, but you need to make sure you're not getting overwhelmed with well-meaning visitors just after you've birthed a small human. Some people want company soon after birth; others prefer to wait a few days or weeks before showing off the babe. So set clear boundaries with family and friends. Say, "We're only having immediate family visit in the hospital," or "We're hoping to limit visits to 30 minutes so we can rest" or whatever works for you. Boundaries can also include conversation topics or advice, i.e., "If we need breastfeeding help, we will ask you for it," or "I know you think cloth diapering is too difficult, but it's what we plan to try." Setting up expectations for the kind of company and support you want can help to avoid hurt feelings and conflict during the often raw, tender postpartum period. The conversations may be awkward now, but clear communication will be worth it in the end.

Ask for help: You don't have go it alone—if you need help, ask for it! Women in our culture are often scared or embarrassed to admit they need assistance, but there's seriously no shame in reaching out to your network, even if they're not close family or friends. Experienced moms know just how hard it is to have a newborn and they're often eager to help, even if that help involves just coming over to sit on your couch and listen to you cry. So put out that SOS status on Facebook; you can repay the favor once you're feeling more confident.

Hire a postpartum doula: Don't have family nearby? Don't want family nearby? Are you a single parent or does your partner have limited leave? A postpartum doula can be just the thing to help ease you into new parenthood. Postpartum doulas are trained in infant care, breastfeeding, and general support of postpartum families. They also do light cooking and cleaning, errands—basically whatever you need to make your life more calm and manageable. They generally charge by the hour, but you can buy a package or just a few hours of help, on a regular schedule or only when you feel you need it. Many postpartum doulas will also do overnights, which lets you get the precious rest you need to recharge and take care of your baby. Check out DONA International or CAPPA to find a list of postpartum doulas in your area.

Aim low: This may sound harsh, but lower your expectations for what life as a new parent is going to be like. Whatever you're picturing, it's likely not going to look anything like that—and that's okay. Some days, just getting out of the house to buy a nipple shield at Target or taking a shower is all you're going to be able to do. Give yourself the emotional and mental space for your postpartum experience to be whatever it will be—both positive and negative. Don't expect life to be anything like it was before you gave birth; You'll find your new normal in time.

Bringing Baby Home: How to Prepare for the Arrival of Your Newborn

One of the most cautious drives you’ll ever take is the one bringing your baby home with you. Newborns look and feel fragile, and they represent a new of world of uncertainty. Here’s what you need to know to make your transition to parenthood easier.

It’s true: There’s no official instruction manual for becoming a parent.

But relax. You’re not the first parent to wonder why you’ve been entrusted with a little person without an instruction manual. The 40 weeks (give or take) of pregnancy allow time for more than just picking out names; it’s your opportunity to plan and prepare. The more you know about your newborn, the better equipped you’ll be when she arrives.

Once your baby is born, doctors will be looking for a few key signs that she is healthy and ready to go home, says Vinod K. Bhutani, M.D., FAAP, professor of pediatrics at Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital at Stanford University School of Medicine. “First they will want to see that the baby is able to breathe well and maintain her body temperature,” says Dr. Bhutani, who is also a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Committee on Fetus and Newborn.

Newborns must also demonstrate that they can feed well. Regardless of whether she’s breastfed or bottle-fed, all babies should be wetting at least three or four diapers in a 24-hour period, says Dr. Bhutani. And while many newborns have some jaundice — a yellowish tint to their skin — their jaundice will be evaluated before they’re sent home from the hospital. If necessary, your pediatrician will discuss a follow-up plan for monitoring your baby’s jaundice.

Healthy at Home

 

Most healthy newborns go home after two or three days, yet the transition for parents is just beginning. “It’s OK to be a little scared — the first week after babies are born is when they’re most vulnerable,” says Dr. Bhutani. “Newborns can have multiple medical problems that if left unattended can become serious.”

Dehydration is sometimes a concern for newborn babies that can continue once they’ve left the hospital. Your pediatrician will discuss dehydration with you so you’llknow what to look for, how to respond, etc.

Parents should also watch for signs of infection in their newborn. Infections can be picked up during birth or from people other than the parents handling the baby, such as visitors. “Most people think only of fevers, but newborns can have dropping temperatures or a low temperature that’s of concern,” says Dr. Bhutani. It’s always wise to watch for signs of infection around the belly button or circumcised foreskin, such as poor sucking during breastfeeding, a lack of appetite, poor weight gain, weak crying, and increasing irritability.

Jaundice happens in most every baby, peaking in the first week as newborns learn to excrete the yellow pigment called bilirubin in their stools. “Babies tend to have slow liver function at first and may have some evidence of jaundice as their livers quickly mature over the first several days,” write Drs. Laura Jana and Jennifer Shu in Heading Home With Your Newborn. “The bilirubin level generally peaks by about 5 days for term babies and about 1 week for those born prematurely.” If your baby continues to have signs of jaundice — very yellowish skin and eyes — after day four, consult your pediatrician.

Although most babies remain perfectly healthy after they’re discharged from the hospital, it’s important to watch for any signs of illness and take your child to the pediatrician for evaluation within a day or two of leaving the hospital. “Every baby needs to be seen by a pediatrician on day three, four, or five,” says Dr. Bhutani. “It’s a must.”

Finding a Pediatrician

 

As a new parent, it’s important to find a pediatrician with whom you feel comfortable. If your child becomes ill, you want to have a good working relationship with a doctor you trust and respect, and who will be there to support you.

Begin by evaluating the pediatrician practices in your local area. Determine whether it matters to you if you have a male or female pediatrician. Be aware that while it’s all the same to infants, some children as they get older feel more at ease working with a doctor of the same sex. If possible, visit the offices and meet the physicians in person. Or find out if your hospital has a “Meet the Doctors” night attended by area pediatricians.

Since you’ll be visiting a pediatrician shortly after bringing your child home, don’t leave this task until the last minute. “You have nine months to plan. You should always choose your pediatrician beforehand,” says Dr. Bhutani.

Quick Tips: Time to Call the Doctor

 

Watch for these signs that it’s time to call your pediatrician:

• Your newborn’s breathing is faster or irregular
• You notice blueness or a darkness on the lips or face 
• Your newborn has a fever 
• Your newborn’s body temperature has dropped
• You see signs of dehydration (less than 3 to 4 wet diapers in a 24-hour period)
• Your baby’s belly button or circumcision area looks infected
• Your newborn’s jaundice does not decrease by the fifth day 
• Your baby is crying a lot or appears sluggish
• You think your baby is not looking or feeling well

Quick Tips: Choosing a Pediatrician

 

The following are a few questions from the AAP to help you select a pediatrician:

• What are the office hours? Is emergency coverage available 24/7?
• Which hospital does the pediatrician use?
• Do they accept your insurance plan and how does the office process billing and claims?
• What are the qualifications of the pediatrician? Is he or she an AAP member (i.e., “FAAP,” a Fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics)?