" Dr. Laura,
My 11 month old is really happy he's learned to sit up, explore everything in hands reach and roll during diaper changes. He gets so distraught during diaper changes when I prevent him from using these new skills. If I flip him back onto his back after he's rolled onto his tummy giggling or if I keep him from practicing his sit-up skills he turns from happy giggles to sobs and tears. And it is clear that he thinks I am being mean by not allowing him this sweet play exploration that prevents me changing his diaper... he tells me he's so frustrated in his sobs and yells of "momma". I've tried many different things to distract him or keep his attention... toys, dancing, singing, talking, music... all to no avail. He wants to sit-up, roll over and play with whatever diaper accessory I've brought his way. I hate that he hates diaper changes and have no idea what to do. The changes are now trigger of anxiety for him. I can totally understand his upset during certain changing times such as middle of the night wet diapers while he's hungry and sleepy. But what can I do during other times when he's clearly distressed that my changing his diaper is preventing him from newfound skills and exploring?"
MOST little ones go through stages of hating diaper changes. Unless you have the rare child who is uncomfortable in wet diapers, then he has no incentive to have a diaper change. Your son is old enough to want to be more in charge of his body and his time. He doesn't want an adult to swoop in and pick him up and disrobe him when he's busy with something.
Sometimes, simply slowing down and connecting changes everything. Sometimes, giving the child control is the key to avoiding a power struggle. Often, not interrupting their play solves the problem by meeting their needs as well as yours. And sometimes you will probably find yourself resorting to distraction. So here's a list of ideas to try, most of which will work sometimes, or for awhile. You may find some good combinations that work for you. I suggest printing this list and adding to it as you come up with more solutions that work for you and your child.
My 11 month old is really happy he's learned to sit up, explore everything in hands reach and roll during diaper changes. He gets so distraught during diaper changes when I prevent him from using these new skills. If I flip him back onto his back after he's rolled onto his tummy giggling or if I keep him from practicing his sit-up skills he turns from happy giggles to sobs and tears. And it is clear that he thinks I am being mean by not allowing him this sweet play exploration that prevents me changing his diaper... he tells me he's so frustrated in his sobs and yells of "momma". I've tried many different things to distract him or keep his attention... toys, dancing, singing, talking, music... all to no avail. He wants to sit-up, roll over and play with whatever diaper accessory I've brought his way. I hate that he hates diaper changes and have no idea what to do. The changes are now trigger of anxiety for him. I can totally understand his upset during certain changing times such as middle of the night wet diapers while he's hungry and sleepy. But what can I do during other times when he's clearly distressed that my changing his diaper is preventing him from newfound skills and exploring?"
MOST little ones go through stages of hating diaper changes. Unless you have the rare child who is uncomfortable in wet diapers, then he has no incentive to have a diaper change. Your son is old enough to want to be more in charge of his body and his time. He doesn't want an adult to swoop in and pick him up and disrobe him when he's busy with something.
Sometimes, simply slowing down and connecting changes everything. Sometimes, giving the child control is the key to avoiding a power struggle. Often, not interrupting their play solves the problem by meeting their needs as well as yours. And sometimes you will probably find yourself resorting to distraction. So here's a list of ideas to try, most of which will work sometimes, or for awhile. You may find some good combinations that work for you. I suggest printing this list and adding to it as you come up with more solutions that work for you and your child.
1. Connect with him.
Children are always more likely to cooperate with us if we connect first. Take a deep breath. Get on your child's level and connect. Comment on what he's doing. Then, point out that his diaper is wet. Ask if he has noticed it. This gives him an opportunity to check in with his body. (This is a good foundation block for eventual potty learning.) He also feels, since you've connected, like you're on his side. You aren't just pushing him around, which of course would make him feel resistant.
2. Be more mindful.
Cassandra Vieten suggests that our ability to stay calm and connected during a diaper change models for our children how they can stay grounded in the face of their own discomfort. She stresses bringing compassionate, open-hearted full presence to the diaper change, rather than just rushing through it. In fact, she calls this the "Mindful Diaper Change Practice." (And you thought you didn't have time for mindfulness practices anymore!)
3. Give him some respect.
Magda Gerber, founder of RIE, taught that even though babies can't understand our words, they feel the difference when they're treated with respect. So from the time they're infants, instead of just scooping them up, move slowly and explain what's happening. Receptive language is about a year ahead of expressive language, so your son already understands much more than you think. And even tiny babies understand your tone of voice. If you do this from the time your baby is born, they have better associations with diaper changes and don't build up such resistance.
4. Give him some control and choice.
Always ask "Ready for a diaper change?" If he says no, say, "Your diaper is wet. Do you want to change it now or in three minutes? 3 minutes? Ok, let's shake on it!"
5. Depersonalize it.
If this feels like a power struggle, depersonalize it by setting the alarm for three minutes. Tell him,
"When the alarm rings, it is three minutes and time for your diaper change, ok?"
When the alarm rings, say "Oh, listen, there's the alarm, it's been three minutes -- Time for that diaper change!" Then help him transition using one of the other ideas on this list.
6. Help him transition
...by taking an object he's involved with and carrying it with you. For instance, "Let's drive the truck to the changing table!"
7. Don't make him move.
If you can, use a portable changing pad and change him where he is playing, so there is less interruption to whatever's he's working on.
8. Don't interrupt his play.
Play is your baby's work. Naturally, he doesn't want to be interrupted. Why not change his diapers standing up, if they're just wet? This will minimize the times that is necessary to ask him to lie down, so he is more likely to cooperate when absolutely necessary for messy changes. Since he may not be fully stable yet, pick a toy he likes and put it on the couch, and stand him against the couch. (I know it's harder than lying down, but if you practice, you get good at it. I did this with my daughter beginning at 11 months, until she was out of diapers.)
9. Invite him to a party.
Most kids can't resist a party. Grab the drum, have a conga line, sing and dance your way to the bedroom: "Gonna change that diaper right off of your tush!" or "Happiness is a clean diaper" or whatever song gets him moving.
10. Let him do the walking.
Many kids object to being carried off to be changed, but if you're making it into a party and he's dancing along into his room next to you in celebration, he's actively taking part in the plan, not feeling pushed around.
11. Ease into it by first diapering his doll or teddy.
Let him help. Shower admiration on Teddy for how quickly he does his diaper change. Then say, "Your turn! Are you quick too?"
12. Ask for his help.
Team up with your child to get the job done. For instance, maybe he would like to take off his own diaper? Kids love mastering new skills. Tell him what you are doing at each step and involve him, for instance,
"I'm going to wipe you off now -- do you want to hold the wipes?"
Ask him to put his feet flat and lift up his bottom so you can slide the diaper under him, if he doesn't want to, say
"Ok, I'm going to lift your bottom now to put the diaper under you."
13. Slow down.
If you treat this as a chance to connect and enjoy your child, he is more likely to stay cooperative. If you rush through the diaper change like it's something unpleasant, he will react as if he is being held down and subjected to something unpleasant.
13. Slow down.
If you treat this as a chance to connect and enjoy your child, he is more likely to stay cooperative. If you rush through the diaper change like it's something unpleasant, he will react as if he is being held down and subjected to something unpleasant.
14. Empathize:
"Does that feel cold on your bottom?" When your child gets upset, try not to get reactive. Instead, soften and stay compassionate. That way he'll know it isn't actually an emergency, and you understand and are looking out for his best interests.
15. Make it something to look forward to.
When you absolutely have to ask him to lie down for a change, for instance when there's a messy diaper, have a basket of toys ready that he only has access to while you're changing his diaper. You might even go hog-wild and find very small presents that you actually wrap in newspaper, and put in the basket. Every diaper change, he chooses one. What kinds of presents? Stuff you have around the house, or would have bought him anyway: Plastic measuring spoons or a funnel, small board books, little figures, a block with a letter A on it, a roll of masking tape, a broken cell phone, a plastic cup, Chapstick, colorful trinkets from Ikea, clay or playdoh with a plastic garlic press so he can make "noodles," a puppet, a tiny flashlight, little wind-up toys, stickers, an unbreakable mirror, you get the idea. You can even re-wrap things that he's left lying around and has forgotten about.
16. Get him laughing.
Laughter reduces stress hormones and increases bonding hormones. So getting your child laughing for ten minutes is always a good strategy when you know you'll need cooperation. Before you start the diaper change, start roughhousing in a way that makes your child squeal with laughter. Chase him around the house, be completely silly. After ten minutes, make the diaper change part of the fun.
17. Provide live entertainment.
If he's fussing, try singing to him very softly. He will usually stop fussing to listen to you. Sing, dance, kiss his belly, blow down his neck, make as many silly faces and noises as you can. Somewhere in there, get the diaper changed as unobtrusively as possible.
18. Keep a cd that has an interesting story on it ready to turn on while you change him.
He might even come to look forward to the next installment.
19. Let him decorate.
Keep a stash of stickers by the changing table. Every diaper change, let him choose one that he is allowed to put on the wall next to the table.
No one approach will always work, so you'll have to mix and match and be willing to try different things. But keep your sense of humor, and remember that this too shall pass. It will seem like the blink of an eye before you find yourself trying to get your six year old to take his bath!
Author,
Dr. Laura
