What to Do About a Kid Who Gets Angry A LOT

I once worked with a five-year-old by who could switch from pure excitement to intense anger or frustration in a matter of seconds. One small (or large) trigger and this little boy turned red in the face and erupted into a huge tantrum. The tantrums weren't long, but they were intense. This left his mom feeling overwhelmed and concerned.

When his mom first sat down on my couch, she appeared completely exhausted. She had tried everything. She had clear limits and rules. She was consistent. Bedtime never changed. She tried adjusting his diet to include high protein snacks. She didn't overschedule. And yet, nothing seemed to work.

High-intensity children can be difficult to decode. They tend to experience all of their emotions with more intensity than other kids. During moments of high-pitched laughter, emotional intensity doesn't cause much worry. But when kids shift to intense anger, frustration or sadness, parents worry.

Anger and frustration are very powerful emotions, and many children tend to struggle with processing and coping with these big feelings. The result? Giant outbursts just about everywhere.

I always tell parents that more often than not, anger is simply another emotion wearing a mask. When you dig beneath the surface (after the stomping turns to tears), you tend to find sadness, fear, guilt, shame, hurt or disappointment just waiting to emerge.

Kids aren't known for their well-honed problem solving and anger management skills. That takes time and practice. It makes sense that young children struggle to work through these feelings, and it's up to us to help them out.

Talk about temperament and personality.

Some kids experience intense emotions out loud, others internalize their feelings until they fall apart. Some kids stuff their feelings in an attempt to put on a happy face every day while others express their emotions constantly. Some have tantrums and meltdowns while others hide in their rooms until the feelings pass. All kids are different.

We have a tendency to focus on behavior when kids are falling apart, but the truth is that the feelings hiding beneath the behavior are what we really need to address. We can begin to help our kids understand their emotions by talking about their temperaments and personalities.

When kids begin to figure out what makes them tick, they can predict how they might respond to certain situations (ex: I feel angry when I am left out at school) and choose to implement adaptive coping skills before they lose control.

Color your world.

We all have our own little internal worlds. We live in a culture of busy so we don't always tap into those worlds when we need to, but we all have them. When we slow down for long enough to consider our internal worlds and how our worlds respond to certain triggers and events, we learn a lot about ourselves.

Give your child a piece of white paper with a large circle drawn in the middle. Tell your child that everyone has an internal world of feelings. Stop here and talk about the range of emotions people feel on any given day. Next, ask your child to color his internal world with as many feelings as he experiences. If, for example, he gets excited a lot, he might choose a bright color and fill a large portion of his world with that color. If it's anger that takes up a lot of space, he might color a lot of red. Once the internal world is complete, talk about what kinds of things trigger each of those feelings and help your child label his world.

This is a great activity to do together because it helps parents and children talk about emotions and how we respond to different events and triggers.

Release the negative emotions.

Kids need to get their feelings out. The key to helping that little boy who was prone to tantrums and intense expression of anger was to work through his angry feelings daily. I always encourage parents to work through the hard stuff when they're calm so that kids can actually process their emotions and find strategies that work.

One of my favorite strategies from The Happy Kid Handbook is “trashcan basketball”. Ask your child to think about all of the things that made him mad or frustrated during the day. Write each of those triggers on separate pieces of paper and have your child crumple them into small balls. Now set up a free throw line not far from a trashcan. Ask your child to verbalize each trigger as he throws it into the can to let go of that feeling for the day.

Author,

Katie Hurley

Managing Your Toddler: TANTRUMS!

Tantrums are normal for toddlers, even legendary. Toddlers feel so passionately about everything, and they simply don't have enough frontal cortex capacity yet to control themselves when they're upset.

That said, you'll be glad to know that many tantrums are avoidable. Since many tantrums are an result of feeling powerless, toddlers who feel they have some control over their lives have many fewer tantrums. And since toddlers who are tired and hungry don't have the inner resources to handle frustration, managing your toddler's life so he isn't asked to cope when he's hungry or tired will reduce tantrums. An ounce of prevention really is worth a pound of cure.

Here's how to tame those toddler tantrums:

1. Since most tantrums happen when kids are hungry or tired, think ahead.

Preemptive feeding and napping, firm bedtimes, enforced rests, cozy times, peaceful quiet time without media stimulation -- whatever it takes -- prevent most tantrums, and reground kids who are getting whiny. Learn to just say no -- to yourself! Don't squeeze in that last errand. Don't drag a hungry or tired kid to the store. Make do or do it tomorrow.


“I guess we can’t do a big shop today. We’ll just get the milk and bread and go home. And here’s a cheese stick to eat while we wait in line.”

2. Make sure your child has a full reservoir of your love and attention.

Kids who feel needy are more likely to tantrum. If you've been separated all day, make sure you reconnect before you try to shop for dinner.

3. Try to handle tantrums so they don’t escalate.

It's amazing how acknowledging your child's anger can stop a brewing tantrum in its tracks. Before you set a limit, acknowledge what he wants.


"You wish you could have more juice, you love that juice, right?"

(Look, he's already nodding yes!) Then set the limit:

"You need to eat some eggs, too. We'll have more juice later."

(As you move his cup out of sight.) If he responds with anger, acknowledge it:

"That makes you so mad. You really want the juice."

Keep the number of words you use pared down:

"You are so mad!"
"No hitting."

4.  Sidestep power struggles.

You don't have to prove you're right. Your child is trying to assert that he is a real person, with some real power in the world. That's totally appropriate. Let him say no whenever you can do so without compromise to safety, health, or other peoples' rights.

5. When your child gets angry, remember that all anger is a defense against more uncomfortable feelings -- vulnerability, fear, hurt, grief.

If you can get him to go back to those underlying feelings, his anger will dissipate.

"You wish we could stay at the playground....You're sad and mad that we have to go."

6. Create Safety.

Usually at this point your child will cry. If he'll let you hold him, do so. If he won't, stay close, even if he won't let you touch him. He needs to know you're there, and still love him. Be calm and reassuring. Don’t try to reason with him. Your goal is just to create safety, so he can let all those feelings come up. Once he gets a chance to show you his sad feelings, he'll feel, and act, a lot better.

Think about what you feel like when you’re swept with exhaustion, rage and hopelessness. If you do lose it, you want someone else there holding things together, reassuring you and helping you get yourself under control -- but only after you've had a good cry.

After the tantrum:

First, take some “cozy time” together to reconnect and reassure. (No, you're not "rewarding" the tantrum. She needed this connection with you or she wouldn't have had the tantrum to begin with! And of course, make sure that your child gets enough “cozy time” with you that she doesn’t have to tantrum to get it.)

Second, tell the story of what happened, so that your child can understand and reflect, which builds the pre-frontal cortex:


"You were having such a good time playing at the playground...you didn't want to go home. When I said it was time to go, you were sad and mad...You yelled NO and hit me...I said No Hitting! and you cried and cried....I stayed right here and when you were ready we had a big, big hug....Now you feel better."