Easy Potty Learning for Toddlers

The simple truth about toilet training is that if the child is ready, it happens very easily. If not, a power struggle often ensues -- and we all know that no one wins a parent-child power struggle. Fights with your child about his or her body are fights you will never win.

Luckily, there is a never a reason to fight with your child about this. Moving from diapers to being self-sufficiently able to use the toilet is a natural process. Humans have been doing it for a long time. They all get out of diapers sooner or later.

So you don't actually need to "toilet train" your child. Instead, set up conditions so your child can learn. Your goal is to make it as easy and effortless as possible. Think of this as a process of learning that unfolds over time, like all other learning and mastery.

Here's a step by step guide for child-led potty learning.

1. Begin by reading books about toileting with your child.

One great one is Toilet Learning by Alison Mack. Potty training dolls can also be very helpful. Most kids love them.

2. Remember that most of what kids learn is through our modeling.

Start talking about what you're doing in the bathroom. Let your child watch. Boys will benefit by watching other boys or their father use the toilet.

3. Kids love to copy other kids;

Slightly older cousins or friends who are willing to use the bathroom in front of your toddler can be invaluable in modeling. For boys, you might make a game of it by putting a small bulls-eye in the toilet for them to aim at.

4. I strongly recommend having a potty in each bathroom of the house.

That way, kids can practice sitting whenever they want, including while they keep you company in the bathroom.

5. Don't be in a hurry to start.

Just encourage your child to sit, fully clothed, on his potty. It builds muscle memory for your child to get on and off the potty, and you want her to feel comfortable sitting there. Make sitting on the toilet festive and fun, well before she even thinks about peeing in it. For instance, be sure there is a stash of books next to the potty. Sing silly songs or give special cheers each time she gets on and off the potty. But never force your child to sit on the potty, or to stay there.

6. After he's used to sitting on the potty clothed...

...ask him regularly if he wants to sit on it naked. Sometimes he will say yes, and sometimes No. Don't make a big deal of it. Your goal is just for him to get completely comfortable. Read potty books and other books to him while he sits there. Toddlers are busy. You have to make the potty a place they love being if you want them to spend enough time there to let anything come out.

7. Once she's totally used to sitting on her potty...

...begin dumping the contents of her diaper into the potty each time you change her diaper. Explain that every day her body is making poop and pee, and they belong in the potty. Tell her that whenever she is ready, she will begin peeing and pooping right in the potty. Admire it there, don't be in a hurry to dispose of it. After awhile, let her help you empty the potty into the toilet and be the one to flush it. Cheer happily each time and wave goodbye to the poop.

8. When he does pee or poop in the potty...

...be sure to celebrate with a special song and dance or parade through the house. But be sure you're celebrating other things, too, like his climb to the top of the play structure or the sun coming out. Don't make such a big a deal of his using the potty that the pressure on your child makes him anxious. He isn't confident yet of his abilities; don't make him feel like he has to repeat his use of the potty -- this should be his choice. Remember, your child should be in control of the process. No pressure.

9. Don't make the move into underwear until your child insists.

In fact, try to avoid mentioning underwear until your child brings it up. Let it be her idea, let her choose it herself, and don't rush it, or you're just asking for accidents.

10. Notice when she gives signs that she is about to defecate:

Becoming quiet, withdrawing to squat in private. Give her language for what's happening:

"Are you ready to poop? Do you want to do it in the bathroom?"

Humans naturally like privacy when they defecate, and it's fine if she wants to go off by herself. Remind her that the bathroom is a great place for poop, that you will help her take off her poopy diaper whenever she is ready. It may take her awhile to begin telling you, but she will begin to learn the concept that when she feels like this, it's time to go into to the bathroom. Eventually, she will probably be pooping in her diaper in the bathroom. Once that's a habit, you can ask if she wants to try sitting on the potty to poop, even with her diaper on.

11. Be open if she requests a toilet seat.

Many toddlers squat to poop and prefer a potty that allows them to assume a similar position. They prefer a potty because they are afraid of falling into the big toilet or are afraid of the flush. Some kids, however, will want to get a seat that goes right on the big toilet. If so, be sure her feet rest securely on a stool. Dangling legs tighten rectal muscles and make defecation difficult.

12. If you're buying a seat to go on the potty, find one they love.

Flip seats have a regular toilet seat plus a training seat. Some kids will love a seat that makes music when something is deposited in it. Just google potty training seats and you'll have lots of choices. I particularly like the ones at the end of this article, which my clients have used with great success.

13. Institute regular times when you both use the potty:

First thing in the morning, after breakfast, before snack, before and after lunch, etc. Your child doesn't have to go, just to sit with you while you go, and to try himself. Make clear that the rule applies to you, also, so your child doesn't feel singled out. This will help your child's body move onto a schedule, which will be a bit easier for him to manage. Of course, if he asks to go on his own schedule, cheer him on for listening to his own body. Usually, over time, he will ask more and more, gradually taking on the responsibility.

14. Every time your child actually uses the potty...

...celebrate with your potty song and dance or parade. But don't assume she's toilet trained until she's initiating. Toilet-trained is when she knows when she has to go and gets herself there.

15. Expect accidents.

Don't express any disappointment at "accidents," or you'll make the stakes too high and your child may rebel or give up. Instead, respond to accidents by shrugging, and saying with a warm smile:

"Oh well, accidents are how we learn. Soon you'll get it in the potty every time. Let's go in and try again."

16. Accidents are a step in the right direction...

...when your child learns from them without getting discouraged. If your child has herself noticed the accident as soon as it started, but hasn't made it to the bathroom, encourage her:

"You noticed as soon as you started to pee! Good for you! Let's go quick to the bathroom in case there's more to come out. Then we'll clean this up together. You noticed yourself when you needed the potty! Next time you'll probably notice sooner and get all the way to the bathroom!"

17. Be enthusiastic but never pushy.

Pushiness complicates toilet training. NEVER punish or disapprove of your child when he has an accident, or it will backfire.

18. If your child poops in her pullup or pants...

...help her to put the poop into the potty and admire it there.

"Look at that wonderful poop your body made! Poop belongs in the potty. Soon you'll remember every time."

19. Make it a habit.

At first your child will probably need help recognizing the signals that mean it's time to head to the bathroom. If you notice him getting antsy, or starting to squat behind the couch, you'll need to remind him. Every time your child does notice and tell you that he needs to use the bathroom, even if he doesn't make it in time, is an opportunity to admire his progress in the right direction.

20. What about pull-ups and Pods?

Many parents feel that pull-ups are too much like diapers and mask the feeling of the accident, but Pods are useful. Sometimes pull-ups are a good intermediate step but toilet learning can get stalled until you get into real underwear. There's certainly less clean-up with pull-ups than bare-bottomed, but they tend to drag out the whole process because they confuse the child. My recommendation would be to try bare-bottomed, but I should add the obvious caveat that this is not practical with a carpeted floor. If you can roll up your rugs for a month, that's often a good solution.

21. Troubleshoot.

Usually bowel training is easiest to control and happens first. If your child has mastered peeing in the toilet but not bowel training, he is probably afraid of the toilet and needs some reassurance. Or, he is used to the feeling of squatting and needs more support under his feet so he can push.

22. If your child is afraid to use the potty...

...help her with her fears. Any silly, playful games that get your child giggling about the potty will help her let her anxieties about the potty evaporate. 

23. Don't begin toilet learning under pressure.

Wait till you have some time when you can be relaxed and attentive to your child. Many preschools demand that children are toilet trained; that kind of pressure can only be bad for you and your child.

24. Watch for constipation.

Many children--especially those who don't eat as many vegetables or whole-grains, or who don't get as much exercise-- tend toward harder stools. That makes them more likely to put off pooping for as long as possible. This can happen even before a child is out of diapers but it is especially prevalent once a child is using the potty, because it requires him to stop what he's doing and go to the bathroom. The more the child gets in the habit of procrastinating, the harder the poo gets, and the more painful to pass, and the more the child avoids it. 

The problem with this is that even children who eliminate on a daily basis often build up fecal matter inside their bodies. This can deaden the usual sensitivity of the child to the need to use the toilet, so the child doesn't even know he needs to go. And since it pushes on the bladder, it can also cause pee accidents and even bed wetting. Unfortunately, most parents whose child is in this situation don't even know their child is constipated and don't understand why he's having accidents, until an xray reveals the extended rectum. (For more info on this issue, I recommend Dr. Steve Hodges' book It's No Accident: Breakthrough Solutions to Your Child's Wetting, Constipation, UTIs, and Other Potty Problems.)

25. Potty training is a partnership, and you're the junior partner.

You can set the stage, but your child has to do the work. I'll say it again: The MOST important secret for stress-free potty learning is that the child be ready. If you push your child, you may end up with serious issues, from a child with constant accidents to power struggles to a child with fecal retention. WAIT until he's ready. Does it really matter when that is? Sooner or later, everyone uses toilets.

Handled with good cheer and confidence that he will master it in good time, the process of toilet learning can be enormously empowering for your child. This is a big step for your son or daughter. Your job is to make it a positive one.

***

Q: Should I punish my child for accidents?

A: Adults have spent years using the toilet, so we forget how hard it is for a child. For a toddler who has spent their entire life in diapers thus far, noticing their urge to eliminate takes great attention and hard work. Consistently controlling that urge until they get to the potty is a major achievement. Some children are motivated to master this because they don't like the feeling of being wet or messy. Others are motivated by their urge for mastery or their desire to be like older children. The rest are motivated by their desire to emulate their parents, who they love and whose lead they want to follow.

Because all children master this developmental step sooner or later, we can think of this as "potty learning." Like all learning, the child needs to be ready to learn, and to proceed at their own pace, but parents can provide encouragement and conditions for success.

"Potty training" assumes that we need to "train" the child, like a dog, and substitutes rewards and punishments for the child's own natural desire for growth and achievement. While rewards can be effective to incentivize a child who is fearful about taking this big leap, punishment just increases the child's fear. Punishment actually makes it more difficult for the child to control his body because fear shuts down the learning centers of the brain.

What's more, punishment erodes the relationship with the parent and therefore eliminates the child's desire to follow the parent's lead, which is his main motivation to do the hard work of potty learning. When we punish a child who is not succeeding in learning to use the potty, he feels humiliated, ashamed, and like giving up. He already didn't know how to do this, and now he feels like a failure. He also feels wronged and angry. All of these tangled emotions make it more likely that the child will have more accidents. 

Punishing kids about toileting ALWAYS seems to result in more accidents. Most likely this is because the child stops seeing toileting as an opportunity for mastery -- which all kids want -- and starts seeing it as a source of stress. We know that stress causes children to regress, and punishment is a huge stressor. 

According to the American Association of Pediatricians, potty training is the time in a child's life when they are most vulnerable to abuse. That's because the punishment doesn't work; it actually makes it more difficult for the child to control the accidents. The parent gets more frustrated, and the punishment escalates. The situation spirals out of control, and tragedies are more likely.

In short, punishing your child for potty accidents will NOT hasten potty learning. In fact, it will lengthen the process, and it will damage your relationship with your child. Just don't do it.

Toddlers and Toilets: Are They Ready?

With kids, it seems there is always a new adventure on the horizon. If you have a toddler, you may be starting to think about when and how your child will learn to use the toilet (bye, bye diapers!).

In the “old days” (meaning, when you were a child!), this was often referred to as “toilet training.” This meant that an adult “trained” the child to use the toilet.

Today, the new buzz word is “toilet learning.”

Learning, meaning the child takes an active role in the process.

In parenthood, there are “windows of opportunity.” Parents know their children best and can most easily recognize when their child is interested and ready for a new discovery. There is no magic age for children to begin using the toilet, although most children begin to show an interest between the ages of 24 and 36 months.

A few signs that your child is ready to begin “toilet learning” include:

• You may notice that your child is interested in the potty. They may want to put paper into it or flush it.
• Your child may ask to sit on the toilet, with a diaper on or off.
• Your child may bring you a diaper and tell you they are wet or have had a bowel movement.

If you believe your child may be ready to explore the use of the toilet, consider the following:

• Purchase some toddler underwear (in addition to the cartoon underwear, look for thicker, cotton underwear that are more absorbent) and provide them time to wear them. Times may include a morning at home or quiet evening versus when you are traveling or running errands. Today’s diapers are so absorbent that a child may not even feel that they are wet.
• Use a child-friendly/child-sized potty. Imagine that the toilet you used was more than half as tall as you. You may be overwhelmed or frightened by the thought of sitting on such a thing. Provide the choice for your child. Don’t be surprised if your child decides to try out both.
• Make toileting positive. This may be a great time for reading books and singing songs. Toileting should not become a power struggle. If it does, chances are you will lose and may experience a setback.
• Successful toileting is great feedback for a child. There is no additional need for a reward (i.e. M&M’s). On the flip side, when a child has an accident, there is no value in punishment.
• Be patient. Sometimes, it is difficult to not get caught in the conversation of what a friend or family member’s child is doing (or not doing). Children develop individually. Toilet learning will occur when your child is ready. If you have concerns, talk to your pediatrician.

Will Your Only Child Accept The New Baby?

The plan was to have kids far enough apart so that the oldest would be an extra set of hands—happy to run for a diaper when I was up to my elbows in newborn-baby fun. Instead, come April, I’m looking at the prospect of having two kids under three, both of whom are relying on me for their sanitary needs.

That wasn’t the plan.

But I can adjust to changing 18 trillion diapers for the next year (and working really, really hard on potty training my 2-year-old!). It’s doable, and so are the dozens of other small worries I have about having two little ones being so close in age. However, the one thing that has been causing me to lose sleep is the fact that I’m taking my daughter’s “Only Child” crown away from her much sooner than I had planned … and sooner than I think she deserves.

My sister and I are five years apart, and I have always thought that that was a glorious amount of space between kids. We were never in the same school, and yet we were close growing up, and that has continued into adulthood. I was also old enough to understand that we were adding a baby to the family, and I prepared with my parents for my awesome responsibilities as the “Big Sister.”

My daughter, on the other hand, has absolutely no clue what is happening.

I point out every baby I see in books, television, and in real life, and exclaim, “Awww! A baby!” She repeats it mechanically and moves on. Strike one.

I lift my shirt to show her my belly (which is surprisingly large for just entering my seventh month …), point at it, and say, “Baby!” to which she replies by pointing at her own belly and repeating what I just said. Strike two.

Last week, as we were playing in her room, I picked up one of her plastic baby dolls and rocked it in my arms. As I held it out to her, she smiled, cautiously walked over, then proceeded to lean over, put her ear to the baby’s face, and pretend like it was a phone.

Strike three.

This means that, one day, approximately 12 weeks from now, I will leave my daughter with my sister, and my husband and I will return home with something that she was NOT expecting—her tiny, crying, baby brother, who will sleep in the room next to hers. I am really not looking forward to her reaction to this surprise addition.

I do know that, eventually, she will love him. She will realize that, while her bossiness has no effect on her father and me, I’m willing to bet that she will easily get her baby brother to bend to her will, and he will become her little sidekick.

She will love having a playmate. She will love making him laugh. She will love teaching him things and protecting him. I know it. One day.

I just hope we all survive those first few months.

Cherishing Your Child

"Everybody's got a hungry heart."
-Bruce Springsteen

"…the precondition for giving is receiving… It is natural to say 'That is a well-cherished child' or 'There is a child who wants cherishing.' We think of cherishment as the emotional equivalent of nourishment. Soul Food."
-Elisabeth Young-Bruehl and Faith Bethelard

Humans are born ready to love, and to be loved. All parents recognize the adoration reserved especially for parents, the small arms reaching up, the joy of infant and parent in their cocoon of mutual delight. Babies expect to be cherished.

This cherishing, this affirmation of the infant from head to toe, teaches the baby who he is. In interaction with the parents, the baby learns "Yes, these are my toes, how good they feel when Dad kisses them!" and "Mom makes that happy noise when I smile at her!" The baby also learns "Mom and Dad love to bathe me, to nurse me, to care for me: I am worth taking care of. I am lovable."

Cherishing our babies is natural, if we listen to our instincts. It is our secret weapon, the nourishment that helps them grow inside, the source of self esteem, the foundation on which their ability to love and be loved rests.

This expectation of being loved is what allows our children to learn so quickly, to risk bumps and scrapes and hurt feelings: the security of knowing that someone who adores them is watching out for them, supporting their growth. Cherishment is the security of unconditional love.

For the parent, cherishing is reveling in being this baby’s parent, being grateful even in the middle of diapers and sleeplessness and colic that this baby was sent to these arms.

But if we have not been cherished ourselves, cherishing can be challenging. When we have been frustrated in our attempts to love and be loved, we may find it difficult to revel in our new baby. We may find ourselves annoyed rather than delighted by her need for our attention, angry rather than sympathetic when he howls. We may avert our eyes from her adoring gaze. We may become uncomfortable when engaged in reciprocal play with our baby and interrupt it without really noticing what we are doing, or even our discomfort.

Often, parents who have not been cherished themselves are envious of the attention the baby receives from others. These parents may insist that the baby adapt to their needs, by, for instance, refusing to adequately babyproof and then becoming angry when the baby persistently attempts to explore the VCR or the stack of magazines.

And for the baby, what happens when this need to cherish and be cherished is frustrated? Frustration, of course, is anger. Lack of being cherished creates an angry child.

Some parents are conditionally accepting. They might adore the baby, for instance, but find it difficult to deal with her when she's angry. What happens? The baby simply rejects the parts of herself that haven't been accepted. The ability to love herself is compromised, shadowed with self hatred; she is not, after all, good enough to evoke what she needs and wants most: cherishing. As she rejects parts of herself, her emotional growth is compromised. (See the Attachment Research for more about the Resistant-ambivalent response.)

The need for cherishing, like all survival needs, doesn’t vanish when thwarted. It goes deep underground. We defend ourselves against this dangerous need that would make us vulnerable; we ward it off with anger, which eventually turns into bitterness.

In extreme cases, the hope of being loved becomes too painful, and the child defends against it by consciously expecting rejection. We all know these children, who become experts at soliciting dislike. In very extreme cases, these can become the kids who are capable, one day, of taking a gun to school and opening fire. The famous researcher Rene Spitz said it most succinctly:

"Infants without love…will end as adults full of hate."

Luckily, virtually all of us get enough cherishment that we don't end up as killers. Few of us, though, get enough of this "soul food" that we don't end up with a heart that is, at times, more hungry than we would like. That hunger, those unmet needs, are what drive all "bad behavior" on the part of our children. Kids whose needs for cherishment are met become cooperative kids. Sure, they'll have times when they're overwhelmed by emotion, or have a hard time regulating their behavior. But these kids WANT to cooperate to please their parent.

Want to raise a happy, cooperative, responsible child? Cherish your baby.

Helping Your Baby Get To Sleep

Most new parents are shocked by the constant interruption of their sleep that a newborn brings to the house. But there are ways to be there when your baby needs you, and still get some rest.

There are basically three schools of thought on this issue.

The first, made popular by the book authored by pediatrician Richard Ferber, advocates teaching babies over the age of three months to sleep through the night in their own cribs, by letting them "cry it out" for increasingly longer periods of time. While most babies eventually give up and fall asleep, the process is often traumatic for parents (and we can assume for the baby), and frequently needs to be repeated following any disruption in routine. Critics point out that Ferber has no psychology training and question whether letting babies cry it out has permanent, harmful effects. More on Ferber.

The second school of thought, practiced by advocates of the Family Bed, says that infants are hard-wired to sleep with their mothers, and nurse at night, for many months, probably until toddlerhood. They point out that babies who sleep with their mothers are less likely to die of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), and that the mothers get much more sleep. My personal experience is that the family bed was heavenly. Critics of this method express concern that parents might inadvertently roll on their babies in the night, and point out that babies who sleep with their mothers and nurse on demand take much longer to sleep through the night. They also wonder why any self-respecting toddler who is accustomed to sleeping with his parents will give that up for a new, lonely, "big-boy-bed." Dr. James McKenna is one of my favorite resources on safe cosleeping.

The third school, perhaps best represented by No Cry Sleep Solution author Elizabeth Pantley, understands that parents may desperately need some sleep and agrees with Ferber that babies need to learn to fall back asleep on their own, but argues that this can be accomplished without the trauma of letting babies cry it out. More on Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution.

My own view

There are safe ways for you to get more sleep, without leaving your baby to cry, and without necessarily sharing a bed. You can even start encouraging an infant in that direction but ONLY if you listen to the infant when he tells you he's hungry or needs you to hold him. In other words, this is a gentle, gradual process. See #8, below, for how to begin this process. 

Fair disclosure: I attempted Ferbering once when my son was nine months old and failed, having given him an ear infection from crying (and having nearly given myself a nervous breakdown.) After that, we went back to the family bed, which we all loved. However, once nursing my toddlers no longer helped them fall back asleep for long, I found myself walking the floor with them and spending many long hours in the middle of the night helping them to fall back to sleep. After substantial research, and working with many parents, I've come to the conclusion that many little ones who are helped to sleep by parents (nursing or rocking), simply can't put themselves back to sleep when they re-awaken during the night. If they're nursing, they may well awaken to nurse, but then will need to nurse again every time they re-awaken a little at night. Eventually, if they don't figure out how to fall back asleep on their own when they awaken at night, they will need our loving help to learn how to fall asleep without rocking or nursing.

Is this a problem? Not necessarily. Some moms are able to nurse at night as long as their child wants. However, I often speak with moms who are ready to stop night-nursing their little one, but find the prospect of night-weaning upsetting.

Does that mean we should always put babies down awake so they can learn to put themselves to sleep when tiny, so they won't develop bad habits? Since almost all newborns fall asleep at the breast (or bottle), that would be impossible. It is completely appropriate to nurse babies to sleep. Nursing to sleep is no more a "bad habit" than peeing in a diaper. As they get older, the time will come when they can learn to fall asleep themselves, just as they will eventually give up diapers.

Does that mean that a time will come when to teach our baby or toddler to fall asleep, we can leave him to cry? Never, in my view, if you want an emotionally healthy child.

But then how do kids learn to fall asleep on their own, without nursing back to sleep? They learn in the safe comfort of your arms, once they're old enough. For more on teaching your child to learn to fall asleep without nursing or rocking, click here.

Sleep is, of course, a very personal decision. I believe that

There is a sleep solution that fits every unique family, from co-sleeping to baby bunks that attach to the parents' bed, to baby hammocks, to cribs.

Of course you want your children to know from the earliest age that they can always ask for and get help. That said, we all need sleep to function and be good parents. My recommendations are biased in favor of keeping your infant close so you can get more sleep. But this is a very individual choice. Read as much as you can, and then lose the guilt. Do what works for you and your baby.

How can you get some sleep, 

when your infant is still waking up to eat?

1. Sleep whenever and wherever you can.

Keep your baby near you while he's still nursing at night, so you don't have to get out of bed. Breastmilk is designed to be given every few hours. It simply cannot hold a baby for much longer. Rats, on the other hand, give their baby food much higher in fat, so that the mother rat can leave the babies for eight hours while she’s off foraging. Baby humans could not survive predators if they were left for long periods, so nature has designed them to require their mother's presence fairly constantly. That means your baby needs to be nursed at night, for a minimum of six months and probably until she is a year old.

2. Afraid of rolling over on your baby?

Unlikely, since mothers are designed not to (unless her natural warning system has been interfered with by drugs or alcohol). There is actually evidence that babies who sleep with their mothers are less likely to die of SIDS because the co-sleeping babies' sleep cycles are in sync with their moms', and her presence stimulates him not to fall into such a deep sleep. There are experts who say that a father could suffocate a very young baby, especially if he's had a drink before bed, so most safe co-sleeping checklists say to position the baby between mom and the wall rather than between the parents. However, the fathers I hear from tell me they're very conscious of their baby, even while asleep. We know that Dads do have a hormonal response to becoming fathers, which includes a natural protectiveness toward the baby, so Paternal Instinct is as real as Maternal Instinct. I personally think that any Dad will be a better father if we honor his paternal instinct and give him the opportunity to sleep snuggled with his baby, but that's an individual decision. In any case, make sure you set up your bed for safe cosleeping, don't start without reading this detailed checklist for safe co-sleeping.

3. If you don't feel comfortable with your baby in bed with you, try a “Moses basket,” cradle or baby bunk within arm's reach.

Some moms are such light sleepers that they just can't get any sleep at all if the baby is in their bed. There are wonderful baby bunks that can be anchored to your bed, at the same level, and opened so that the baby has his own space but you can roll him into your bed with you to nurse.

4. Learn to nurse lying down so you can sleep while he feeds.

It may take a week, while you get the hang of nursing, but learn to nurse lying down, so you can doze, and you'll feel much more rested. Just wedge pillows behind you and between your knees for support, and put a folded blanket under Baby if necessary to raise him to the level of your breast so neither of you is straining to reach. He should be on his side, facing you.

5. Help your baby set her metabolic clock.

She doesn't know it's night and she should sleep. She'll learn, eventually, but you can help your little night-owl adjust faster to the world outside your womb by making sure she doesn't sleep all day. Take her out in the sun. Go for walks. Let her feast her eyes and ears on the wonders of the world. All humans really do sleep better at night when they've been exposed to fresh air and sunshine during the day. Also,you should know that babies who sleep with their moms end up synchronizing their REM sleep cycles, which means she's more likely to treat night as sleep time and day as waking time. And of course, keep things dark and quiet at night. Nurse her when she wakes, and change her if you must (not all babies are sensitive enough to require changes at night), but don't make it into playtime.

6. Take a long maternity leave, so you can nap when your baby naps during the day.

This is the golden rule. Forget the shower, who cares? Go for the nap.

7. If your partner can take the baby in the morning to let you sleep in for an hour, it can make all the difference in the world.

Don't feel guilty about it. Eight hours of sleep with interruptions to feed your baby is not the same as the eight hours you used to get. You need lots more now.

8. Go to bed early.

When you were pregnant you did it. Don't feel bad about it, this is not the time to resume an active evening life. You have the rest of your life to stay up late.

9. Encourage sleep associations that your baby can control.

As your infant gets a bit older -- say three months -- you can begin encouraging her to learn to fall asleep without sucking or being held. This is a gradual, gentle process. Here's a whole article on how to encourage good sleep habits as your baby grows.

Bringing Baby Home: How to Prepare for the Arrival of Your Newborn

One of the most cautious drives you’ll ever take is the one bringing your baby home with you. Newborns look and feel fragile, and they represent a new of world of uncertainty. Here’s what you need to know to make your transition to parenthood easier.

It’s true: There’s no official instruction manual for becoming a parent.

But relax. You’re not the first parent to wonder why you’ve been entrusted with a little person without an instruction manual. The 40 weeks (give or take) of pregnancy allow time for more than just picking out names; it’s your opportunity to plan and prepare. The more you know about your newborn, the better equipped you’ll be when she arrives.

Once your baby is born, doctors will be looking for a few key signs that she is healthy and ready to go home, says Vinod K. Bhutani, M.D., FAAP, professor of pediatrics at Lucile Packard Children’s Hospital at Stanford University School of Medicine. “First they will want to see that the baby is able to breathe well and maintain her body temperature,” says Dr. Bhutani, who is also a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Committee on Fetus and Newborn.

Newborns must also demonstrate that they can feed well. Regardless of whether she’s breastfed or bottle-fed, all babies should be wetting at least three or four diapers in a 24-hour period, says Dr. Bhutani. And while many newborns have some jaundice — a yellowish tint to their skin — their jaundice will be evaluated before they’re sent home from the hospital. If necessary, your pediatrician will discuss a follow-up plan for monitoring your baby’s jaundice.

Healthy at Home

 

Most healthy newborns go home after two or three days, yet the transition for parents is just beginning. “It’s OK to be a little scared — the first week after babies are born is when they’re most vulnerable,” says Dr. Bhutani. “Newborns can have multiple medical problems that if left unattended can become serious.”

Dehydration is sometimes a concern for newborn babies that can continue once they’ve left the hospital. Your pediatrician will discuss dehydration with you so you’llknow what to look for, how to respond, etc.

Parents should also watch for signs of infection in their newborn. Infections can be picked up during birth or from people other than the parents handling the baby, such as visitors. “Most people think only of fevers, but newborns can have dropping temperatures or a low temperature that’s of concern,” says Dr. Bhutani. It’s always wise to watch for signs of infection around the belly button or circumcised foreskin, such as poor sucking during breastfeeding, a lack of appetite, poor weight gain, weak crying, and increasing irritability.

Jaundice happens in most every baby, peaking in the first week as newborns learn to excrete the yellow pigment called bilirubin in their stools. “Babies tend to have slow liver function at first and may have some evidence of jaundice as their livers quickly mature over the first several days,” write Drs. Laura Jana and Jennifer Shu in Heading Home With Your Newborn. “The bilirubin level generally peaks by about 5 days for term babies and about 1 week for those born prematurely.” If your baby continues to have signs of jaundice — very yellowish skin and eyes — after day four, consult your pediatrician.

Although most babies remain perfectly healthy after they’re discharged from the hospital, it’s important to watch for any signs of illness and take your child to the pediatrician for evaluation within a day or two of leaving the hospital. “Every baby needs to be seen by a pediatrician on day three, four, or five,” says Dr. Bhutani. “It’s a must.”

Finding a Pediatrician

 

As a new parent, it’s important to find a pediatrician with whom you feel comfortable. If your child becomes ill, you want to have a good working relationship with a doctor you trust and respect, and who will be there to support you.

Begin by evaluating the pediatrician practices in your local area. Determine whether it matters to you if you have a male or female pediatrician. Be aware that while it’s all the same to infants, some children as they get older feel more at ease working with a doctor of the same sex. If possible, visit the offices and meet the physicians in person. Or find out if your hospital has a “Meet the Doctors” night attended by area pediatricians.

Since you’ll be visiting a pediatrician shortly after bringing your child home, don’t leave this task until the last minute. “You have nine months to plan. You should always choose your pediatrician beforehand,” says Dr. Bhutani.

Quick Tips: Time to Call the Doctor

 

Watch for these signs that it’s time to call your pediatrician:

• Your newborn’s breathing is faster or irregular
• You notice blueness or a darkness on the lips or face 
• Your newborn has a fever 
• Your newborn’s body temperature has dropped
• You see signs of dehydration (less than 3 to 4 wet diapers in a 24-hour period)
• Your baby’s belly button or circumcision area looks infected
• Your newborn’s jaundice does not decrease by the fifth day 
• Your baby is crying a lot or appears sluggish
• You think your baby is not looking or feeling well

Quick Tips: Choosing a Pediatrician

 

The following are a few questions from the AAP to help you select a pediatrician:

• What are the office hours? Is emergency coverage available 24/7?
• Which hospital does the pediatrician use?
• Do they accept your insurance plan and how does the office process billing and claims?
• What are the qualifications of the pediatrician? Is he or she an AAP member (i.e., “FAAP,” a Fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics)?

Baby Care Tips For You And For Baby

What baby care tips are essential for you and your newborn??

The mother of a baby is the busiest person on earth, and these baby care tips are designed to put a little order and routine back into your day to day routine. In no time at all, these baby care tips will become second nature for you and your baby helping you to get back to a somewhat 'normal' life.

Breastfeeding Baby Care

There is, has and always will be a lot of controversy on breastfeeding depending on where you live in the world. In some countries it's the norm and most people would not bat an eyelid if they saw a mother sit down in a restaurant and start to breastfeed her baby. In other countries such as the UK and the US, surprisingly and quite sadly, breastfeeding is frowned upon by many. I personally breastfed both my children and though I made a point of being discreet, I valued my right to feed my child where, when and how I chose to.

However, I also appreciated the fact that I was lucky to be able to breastfeed as I know many mothers want to but can't for whatever reason. Even those that choose not to breast feed should not be maligned. The majority of us live in a society where we have a freedom of choice and whatever our feelings or opinions on a matter, we should allow everyone the right to choose what is best for them and their baby.

That said it is common knowledge that there are huge health benefits to breastfeeding for both mom and baby so that's why this is key to baby care. Baby's first drink of breast milk is colostrum which is full of antibodies which help babies immune system and is full of fat and protein to help baby put on weight in their first few days. Breastfeeding also helps mom's uterus to contract more quickly. A weird sensation when it happens but utterly amazing when you think about it.

Then consider the other positives of breastfeeding to baby care. Milk is on tap, ready to go at the right temperature whatever the time of day and if baby emptied one 'bottle' or boob, there was another ready and waiting to go. I did co-sleeping with my second baby as I was concerned about waking the house up in the middle of the night for feeds which worked out well for all as most times throughout the night, she would latch on herself and feed without me being barely aware. Baby care doesn't really get any easier than that.

I did express so that my husband could also be involved and there were times that he did the night feeds with both children so that I could get a complete nights rest.

Bottle Feeding Baby Care

If you are bottle-feeding your baby then make sure that the bottles are well sterilized and clean. There are many makes of bottle sterilizers that are available. There are some that you can put in the microwave and some that will continually sterilize throughout the day so that you always have clean bottles and teats available to go when you need them.

Also consider your formula well. Check the ingredients and look for those that have the friendly bacteria for the gut. Make sure that you buy the formula appropriate for your baby's age. To rich and it may cause constipation, too thin and lacking in vitamins etc, and your baby may not gain weight as they should.

Baby Sleeping Baby Care

With your first child, you will have probably read numerous books about how to put your baby to bed and have bought a moses basket, then a cot or cot bed. Come your subsequent children, you then realise though nice to have, the most important thing is whether your baby is comfortable, safe and warm or cool enough. My first child went into his own cot bed when he was 3 weeks old as we couldn't stand anymore of his warthog snoring. He was also in a baby sleeping bag. Our daughter slept with me in our bed until she slept through most of the night before moving to her own bed. Especially as I was breast feeding both, I made sure that I didn't drink a lot (the odd glass of wine at a weekend is fine), I don't do drugs, they weren't too hot or cold and the room was well ventilated. Use your common sense here regarding baby care and use and do what's best for you.

Clothing Baby Care

Summer clothes should be light cotton ones. When baby is taken out, make sure that his head does not get the direct sun. Make the most of parasols or stroller sun covers. The covers in particular also help against wasps. An important baby care tip to remember for all - sun cream is essential even if your baby is dark skinned. My children are mixed race and even with factor 50, they still tan.

In winter, there may be sweaters, trousers and other woollens. Just bear in mind that if they are in nappies or diapers still, you need quick and easy access to change them especially when you are out and about. Some changing facilities are tiny or cramped and you don't really want to spend more time there than you should. Remember a change of clothes too. My son was the worst but they both had explosive poos the force of which sent their poo right up their backs and it was far easier to take the whole lot off than to try and clean around it!

Changing Baby Care

Changing of nappies or diapers whether disposable or not should take place regularly. Sometimes babies will let you know in their own particular way but it's best to get into the habit of checking their bottoms at least every 3 hours. That way you'll soon get to know baby's toilet habits and can adjust it accordingly.

Bathing Baby Care

I hope that I don't sound too patronising but the best advice here is common sense. Make sure that you have everything that you need BEFORE you start bathing. Have baby's towel ready on his changing mat, his nappy and night clothes all in place before you start.

Please ensure that the bath water is not too hot and not too cold - 9of or 32c is ideal. It should only be a couple of inches deep if it is in a family bath. At this age baby doesn't need bubble bath, just gentle no-tears formula soap should suffice.

Ensure that you support baby's head safely. Once washed and dried, massage a little moisturizing cream into baby's skin and get him dressed for bed.

Immunisation Baby Care

The baby should be immunized against Small Pox & Measles with BCG within 3 months of its age. The first DPT (Diphtheria, Tetanus, Psertussis, Polio, HIB, Meningitis C) is due within the first 2 months followed by the 2nd and the 3rd one at one month intervals. The MMR vaccination against Measles, Mumps and Rubella should be done within 1 years of age. The boosters should be taken after the baby is 4 years old.

Training and Education Baby Care

Babies learn by watching and listening. Yes I babble baby talk to my two but I also talked sensibly to them like an adult. When getting them dressed I would put their left arm in its sleeve and say to them, 'let's put your left arm in your sleeve'. By 18 months both children knew their right from their left, could say things like open door, shut door, roof, bus, sky drink, biscuit etc because I constantly read or pointed things like this out to them. Learning can and at this age, should be fun.

The most important baby care tip of all

The parents should find enough time to spend quality with the baby but also together and by themselves. Find time for baby time, couple time and me time!

Erin Costello was an industry executive but is now a mother of two.

She researches and writes from personal experience as well as on topics and issues that affect women such as breast, ovarian and cervical cancer, pregnancy and baby care, women's health and beauty, relationships amongst others.

She has had numerous articles syndicated worldwide but writes mainly for WomensTroubles.com

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